My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize