The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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