So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
