just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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