Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
