Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
