is your mom at the bar?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
