Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he thought i was a dude.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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