well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
