i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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