My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize