Someone shit on the floor
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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