y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You made out with two different species that night
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
