it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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