i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
