I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
bring money and cleavage
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
