I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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