I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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