wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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