The beer is more important than you right now.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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