So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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