But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
and you fell through a lawn chair
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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