oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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