ya dads aren't the best wingmen
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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