She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
