All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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