Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
birth control should be required to get into college
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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