How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
