I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
