Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
