my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
