As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
