i was born a porn star she said
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
