Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
