i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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