Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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