dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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