It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
