Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
