yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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