do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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