Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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