I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
