So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
