I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
