Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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