Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
