I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
