I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
