Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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