The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I love having hate sex.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
