Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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