yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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