she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
