I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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