He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
