Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
that's an acceptable place to lick
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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