you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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